Coming back to center

Igay marriage  It’s been a crazy few weeks for me. I’ve been in and out of the hospital, dealing with a new diagnosis that actually puts all the of pieces of my health together into one cohesive picture (I have MS), and also working to make our home one of the most comfortable places on earth…mostly for our autistic son…so that he can be relaxed and calm while here and not require so much outside intervention.

I also have entered law school myself, in an effort to use the time I am down dealing with my illnesses to better myself so that when I am capable, I can reenter the working world at a far better position than I was. Granted this is going to be an endeavor that will take quite some time, I have to finish my bachelors degree and then go onto law school itself and pass the bar.

While all this has been going on, the world has moved in it’s pattern around me, and first I want to take a moment to congratulate all of those states for which gay marriage is legal! This is an amazing thing to me, since as a teenager, when I was a member of my gay youth support group, we were always marching and writing letters to congressmen about making marriage legal for us. Thing is, not a single one of us thought that we would see it in our lifetime, we were working to make it possible that it would happen for the next generation. So when I was watching the news with baited breath and seeing that state after state was legalizing that which should never have been illegal in the first place, I was shocked and happy. Of course, I had gotten married before I had my gender marker changed on my license, mainly because the state I was living in at the time was one of the hold outs and the senator was a homophobic prick. I am one of the lucky ones. However, now I have tons of weddings to attend for friends and colleagues alike and nothing could make me happier.

Then, more recently, California made Trans* and gay panic defenses void in court. Meaning, saying that you were afraid that x person was going to hit on me, or that being trans* is so beyond my belief structure that I panicked and killed them, thus blaming the victim, who, of course now is dead and cannot speak for themselves. I have to admit that I was ignorant of the rate at which this defense was being used until I read the article about banning it outright. I also believe that it is a downright shameful thing that this is not a national issue and has not been taken yet to the federal level to protect us nation-wide.

So, while I have been bus dealing with the issues of my family, Children, and health the world has been making strides in making everything equal for us all, and right now I couldn’t be more proud.

Resting in a hospital? Yeah. Right.

So, yesterday I was informed that I would start breathing treatments. What I didn’t realize was that even if I was asleep, they would wake me every 4 hours to give them. On top of the hourly checking on me, blood works, medications and what-not. I am going to be so incredibly exhausted by the end of tomorrow that no matter where I am I will likely just fall over and pass out. I don’t know if I will be going home or not tomorrow, or what the real plan is. It seems like a lot hinges on getting me a dialysis clinic and the rest hinges on the fact that they suddenly took my other symptoms seriously instead of blindsiding themselves or lumping them all together.

Right now, it’s 5:54am, and the only reason I’m awake is because I had -just- fallen asleep from the nurse checking on my 20 mins prior (and she insists on calling my name! SO even if I am asleep, I’m quickly awake) when the Respiratory therapist came in.  So I had my nebulizer, started falling asleep with it in my mouth kept waking myself up when I almost dropped it and then, when the therapist left, realized that he didn’t bother to reconnect my oxygen, so I had to call teh nurse back in. This makes for a recipe of serious wakefulness. I hope I can nap today

Day 3…Hospital.

I initially titles this day 2, however I had indeed forgotten that I slept the entire first day. So, Updates. It is indeed Sarcoidosis that is causing me to be so miserable, from lesions on my legs to a cough that will not let up in my lungs and dizziness on top of it all.  However, it seems that the disease has hit it’s most annoying stage. It’s the “let’s make everything within range swollen!” Stage. So, not only am I on o2, but I now have breathing treatments. Not only am I careful about walking, I’m back in a wheelchair because I could fall over at any moment. My legs are wrapped like any injured old man’s and my voice is weak because of the strength of my cough.    The one good thing that came out of all of this is that I may have a dialysis unit on board finally.  If that happens, then life has a predictable pattern again, and I am get all kinds of things done.

In the meantime, I have no phone at home, not even a cell so I can only hope that my man gets to the library roday and sees this post somewhere so that He knows what is going on.


Back and forth, an update

The chaos hasn’t lifted. I’ve just learned how to work through it somehow, mostly thanks to McDonald’s WiFi hot-spots and them not caring that I only bought a .50 cent newspaper or that I’m sitting on their steps when I don’t have that much money.  This post is more to keep my family and friends updated, since getting in contact with me is so difficult, if you are here just for the educational content, I will be returning with that soon, hopefully.

My disability is still screwed up, we were not paid Friday as was promised, and things were not fixed as I was told. I need to go fill out some paperwork when I get out of the hospital (again). I had tried to go down there with my eldest son, Alek, however he got motion sick on the bus and by the time we made our connection and arrived, the office was closed. When I woke up Saturday, I couldn’t breathe, it had been 8 days since my last treatment, as well as having weird little sores that won’t heal on my legs. So I went into the ER. Here i sit in the ICU, in one of the most comfortable beds while the dialysis machine runs and I try to not have a killer headache from it all. We’ve found that my sarcoidosis is flaring (hence the sores on my legs, and the swollen joints and immense pain in them) and I might have pneumonia.

Health stuff aside, before I went into the hospital last night, I had a wave of cleaning bug. So, since the roommate decided to not communicate with me about her plans and stay away from the house for 3 days after being told politely “Hey, I don’t care how often you are here, just let me know if you’ll be home overnight”  as well as my being completely up front and honest with her about her situation and my thoughts on it. Its the same exact thing she did last time, just compounding this time around with lies. My door is closed, Devon’s Shelter is no longer accepting over night guests.  I cannot begin to say how done with people I am these days, I’ve overwhelmed and although I’ve been having a rough tie of things lately, I’m always trying to help those around me who ask. I cannot anymore. I am choosing my projects and anything else can just take a back seat. The chaos surrounding me wound me up being unenrolled in school, and now I have to do that entire process all over again, and I do not have a phone, nor a single red cent to get one. So, communication is limited to my once a day jaunt to the WiFi area.

The nurse in the ICU last night upset me quite a bit, by saying to me “You know, sweetie you really should get a phone. There are some really inexpensive plans” at which point I just looked at him and asked in a seriously and deadly voice “What part of I have absolutely no money” did you not understand? My husband collects CANS For chrissakes to make sure there is enough bus fare in case something happens and we need it! (that was how I got to the hospital) So, I say to those who come to me right now with their hands out… I have nothing, friend. If you care to sit and relax with me and want to share intelligent conversation..sure but that is about all I have until things get fixed.


It’s amazing how much just a little Chaos can screw everything up

I was put in the hospital, because I am unable to get dialysis through a clinic right now and found out that my hemoglobin and hematacrit were at critical levels. Meaning, I did not have enough red blood cells to live much longer without some serious medical interventions. The same day  was put in, a friend was kicked out of her home and asked to stay with us. After I got home, as I was walking up m front steps, I had to call the police because a neighbor was beating the shit out of her husband. 2 days after being home, I had to return to the hospital for more blood…the previous transfusions didn’t help. Then, my disability payments got screwed up.


….All while this is going on, I have school for both myself and my eldest son, as well as several important projects going on, one of which I am heading (or was…I wouldn’t blame the community for replacing me an putting in someone who was a bi more there this past week, we will see what is going on when I catch up) and I am itching to get back to.

Of course, the new roommate is causing big problems, and it seems that our home has become the local therapists office. There have been people dropping in at all hours just wanting to talk about things going on in their lives.

The end result of course of all this chaos, was that the internet bill didn’t get paid because the paycheks are screwed up. I now have to find my way up the road to a local free wifi spot (not easy considering that I have to find someone to drive me since I am too weak to walk that far with a laptop bag right now). That should be sorted out Friday.

I am pulling my hair out, and just generally feeling like a total fuck up, even though I don’t have much control over the things that are happening. That’s the real problem actually, I am used to having control of things. When they slip out of control, I panic. Those things that my man and I do have control over, we are handling. Our home has gone dark, we are no longer even remotely pretending to be social creatures. Amazing how much more time and peace you have when you don’t let others steal your time….

So, I apologize to all of those who have been looking for me in order to get things completed. I’m coming back in the next few days, I promise. I hate feeling like I am letting everyone down.

Because I’m Happy…HEA doesn’t work for me.

Post written by Laura Antoniou for


I’m a heretic.

In the vast world of modern erotica and the rising world of romantica, I don’t like HEA – better known as Happily Ever After.

The simple way to explain it is that I don’t believe in it. That’s offensive enough, right? With that statement, I have pissed off legions of romance readers the world over, who make one, tiny little demand for their genre – that it has a happy ending.

And what’s wrong with a happy ending? Nothing! After all, we can’t be guaranteed them in real life, so why not get them in books, movies and other entertainment? It’s not as though life can’t provide us with an endless array of unhappiness, ranging from mild disappointment to crashing tragedy and despair. Watch the news. Pop open Twitter. Unhappiness abounds, and we don’t even have to go to Reddit.

Please don’t go to Reddit.

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Living Dreams: Erotic Online Roleplay [ RP ]

AN article written by Dee Maselle for

erotic rp

In a solitary chamber within the Institute, Madame A rests her troubled mind. Her body, pale alabaster blushed with faint pinks, lies still in the middle of a soft white bed. Sandy brown hair has been cropped short for convenience. Her skin is covered with a network of fine wires, finer than spider silk, invisible from most angles. The wires become thicker where they penetrate her scalp–and her brain.

One discreet cable and uncountable wireless connections link Madame A’s mind to a datacore in the corner of the chamber. It is called the Delta.

The Delta not only monitors Madame A’s vital signs, but it connects her to a cybernetic universe: detailed structures to explore, virtual residences to shape, uncountable sensory experiences and games; educational courses, still images, and nearly every film ever shown; informational text files, and millions of personae with which she might interact.

Madame A could be living any life she dreamed in her Delta…

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That Whole “Relationship” Jazz

Written by Laura Antoniou

Drama Llama

It seems natural that the theme for this months magazine is wrestling, struggling and assorted forms of playing with power, since this is the start of a regular column on the one thing we all continually wrestle with – relationship issues. And while the uninformed might ask, “why relationship issues on a dating/hook-up web community?” the fact is an awful lot of you readers are already in relationships, starting, revitalizing, expanding or changing your relationships or you would like your next one to be somewhat less disastrous than the last one. (Which we won’t go into, OK? Everyone makes mistakes.)

In my many years on the scene and the way-too-many times I’ve heard/seen/read and participated in relationship dramas and situations in the SM/leather/etc. communities, I often realize that there aren’t too many issues we have which our old biddy friend Dear Abby didn’t have good advice for. Are you better off with them, or without them? is the bottom line, wits-end question to any relationship, whether uber-kinky or so vanilla it rejects the presence of sprinkles. But the vast majority of our relationship questions and struggles come way before that ultimatum, and that’s where I will concentrate this column.

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The erotic power of looking like you know your shit.

A post by Laura Antoniou from


While at Thunder in the Mountains years ago, I had the opportunity to have my boots shined. (Thunder is an annual conference for kinky folk, held in Denver. You should go. It’s fun.) Actually, I barely had that opportunity, because leather conferences being what they are, most of my time was spent traveling to my workshops, meeting people and schmoozing with old friends, playing and trying to recover from playing. (And just FYI, Thunder is a fabulous event for playing. Here ends this commercial announcement.)

But at one point while rushing from here to there, I caught a glimpse of a thing of beauty. In a gorgeously clean silver-colored hard case was one of the most complete bootblacking kits I had ever seen. Scrupulously shiny cans of polish, saddle soap, waxes and creams, pastes and edge dressing…brushes and cloths and wipes…and amazingly, the yellow grease pencil necessary to brighten up the stitching on a pair of Doc Martins.

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An interesting post from

leash laws

Authors Disclaimer: This article is not to be considered legal advice. Please speak with a lawyer if you have more questions.

We have all seen the head lines that pop up from time to time, “Man kidnaps girls for sexual harem!” and “Woman whips bound and blindfolded man bloody….and he says he liked it!”, and these stories usually end up with the person taking the role of “top” in jail and/or court facing assault charges.  While no doubt that a big part of why these stories are run was for sensationalism, it is the bare, unvarnished truth that most activities partaken of are indeed, illegal (at least in the United States) Yes, even if your partner consented. I’ll explain why;

  • First of all, there is no federal law in this area and prosecution depends on state laws
  • Under most state law, a person cannot consent to what legally amounts to assault.
  • Cases are heard by Judges and Juries who are, after all, people and the majority of people consider BDSM acts to be immoral or the function of a diseased mind.

Read More Here